Critters (1986)
Directed by Stephen Herek
Written by Stephen Herek, Don Keith Opper and Domonic Muir
Starring: Dee Wallace Stone, M. Emmet Walsh, Scott Grimes, Don Keith Opper, Billy Zane, Lin Shaye, Terrence Mann
In terms of childhood favorites Critters is right up there with No Retreat, No Surrender. Critters is the story of a band of cantankerous intergalactic fugitives (Crites) who hijack a space ship and crash land outside a Kansas farm. They are pursued by two bounty hunters who will let nothing get in their way. Did I mention that the carnivorous Crites are nothing more than small fur balls with hundred of teeth and heir only goal in life is to eat everything.
What makes this flick so damn awesome is that it has a bit of everything, there is Sci-Fi, Horror, Comedy, Family Drama, Town Politics, Aliens, Exploding Bowling Alleys, 3 Sequels…
Terrence Mann rules as Ug, the lead bounty hunter who models his appearance (in a particularly gruesome scene) on a rock star he sees on TV. His partner swaps visages throughout the film (with some humorous results). The star of the film is Brad Brown (Scott Grimes) a teenager who likes to build fireworks, hates chores and love to antagonize his sister. He is best friends with the farm’s handy man, the drunken Charlie (Don Keith Opper (who appears in every Critters movie)). The crux of the film is the Critter’s assault on the Brown family farm which owe much to Assault on Precinct 13.
I recommend this flick, it offers so much and asks so little… plus it has a young Billy Zane in his 2nd feature film. You can tell that Herek and his crew had a blast making this flick and it’s a blast to watch, I’m even a fan of the 3 sequels. Critters is the bastard child of Gremlins and E.T. with a shot of Invaders From Mars. Plus you can pick the DVD up on the cheap (or rent it from TLA).
The Hospital (1971)
Directed by: Arthur Hiller
Written by: Paddy Chayefsky
Starring: George C. Scott, Diana Rigg
Doctors becoming patients, Nurses killing patients (who happen to be doctors), Naked Indian witch doctors, George C. Scott drun on vodka rapes a patients daughter, Chayefsky!!! The Hospital features all this and so much more.
Scott plays Dr. Herbert Bock a suicidal, drunken chief of staff in a hospital full of more monkeys than your local zoo. The film is 24 hours in his life at the hospital from hell. Outside its walls a protest grows ever more violent. Inside, Bock rules over the nurses and doctors (who’s staggering number makes it hard to know who is who). 3 members of Staff end up dead and a riot f protesters nearly breaks out. All this plot is moved forward with the dialog and pacing that Chayefsky brings to everything he has written.
While Marty is claimed to be his greatest work, I disagree. For my money, the middle section of The Hospital is his best writing. It is a 20 minute dialog between Diana Rigg and George C. Scott culminating in his sexual assault of her, though it’s not mean spirited… it’s out of desperation, a last act before his suicide. The scene illustrates why Chayesky is the best screenswriter/playwright ever. So stop reading, and run to the nearest video store (hopefully TLA video on 1520 Locust St. Philadelphia, PA… and while you’re there renting The Hospital, stop by and see me… I’m the guy with the filmstrip tattoo.)
Intruder (1989)
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Directed by Scott Spiegel
Written by Scott Spiegel with a Story by Lawrence Bender
Starring Elizabeth Cox, Sam and Ted Raimi, Burr Steers, Renee Estevez (sister of Emilio), Dan Hicks, Bruce Campbell, Lawrence Bender
With Special FX and Make-Up by K.N.B. (I believe this was their first movie)
Not to over dramatize things but this may be the most important movie in the last 20 years. Before I get into how kick ass this movie is let me just break down the relationships that this movie holds to a list of films to large to… well list.
#1 K.N.B. those wonderful crazy kids responsible for the FX in movies like, Evil Dead 1 and 2, Army of Darkness, Hostel 1 and 2, every Tarantino movie, every Robert Rodriguez movie since El Mariachi… seriously these guys are major players.
#2 Scott Spiegel introduced Lawrence Bender to Quentin Tarantino… thus allowing Reservoir Dogs to get made. He also attended High School with Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi. He used to share a house with Joel and Ethan Coen, Sam Raimi, Holly Hunter, Frances McDormand and Kathy Bates. Is one of the founders of Raw Nerve LLC (along with Boaz Yankin and Eli Roth).
#3 Sam Raimi… come on this guy is responsible for the biggest trilogy ever (Spider-Man). Besides that he’s made several cult classics, everything from the Evil Dead trilogy to Darkman and he’s produced a truckload of successful films a TV shows (everything from The Grudge and the upcoming 30 Days of Night to the Hercules and Xena TV shows). I can honestly say that if I could hang out with any living celebrity it would be him (if I could resurrect the dead I would choose John Ford).
#4 Bruce Campbell the poster boy (well man) for cult awesomeness. Come on this is Ash. This is Brisco County. This is Elvis beating the shit out of Bubba Ho-Tep.
#5 Then there is Burr Steers who you may not have heard of… he is the writer/director of the wonderful Igby Goes Down. He also wrote How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. He also had a role in Pulp Fiction… (at the beginning when Vincent and Jules come to reclaim the briefcase, Steers plays the guy lounging on the sofa. Jules refers to him as ‘Flock of Seagulls’
#6 Lawrence Bender, producer extraordinaire, the man responsible for every Tarantino flick, An Inconvenient Truth, Good Will Hunting, The Chumscrubber, The Great Raid and many more.
Intruder is a slasher film about the night crew in a grocery store. There is a killer on the loose (naturally) who is preying upon the employees. What matters most of course is the kills and here they are inventive and humorous. Case in point one character gets hit on the head with a hammer as he starts to fall to the ground we cut to someone stocking sacks of potatoes, that person drops a sack. See humor.
What shines through is that this flick was made by a group of friends who throughly enjoyed what they were doing. The youthful exuberance pours off the screen with every frame. This was the first movie for a lot of people and you can just feel the fun they are having. This is balls-to-the-wall filmmaking at its finest. I highly recommend this flick it is one of my all time favorites and it is definitely worth renting.
Now just a quick side note. I want to hear from you, the reader. If you have seen any of the movies that I talk about, please leave a comment. If you hate one of these movies that’s cool, leave a comment saying so. If you just like the review leave a comment. If you hate every word I’ve written, comment and let me know. Are there any movies that you would like me to review leave a comment. Basically I want to hear what everyone is thinking. So please leave some comments. Thanks.
The Abductors (1972)
Directed by Don Schain (who now produces movie for the Disney Channel and is married to Cheri Caffaro)
Written by Don Schain and Liz Evans
Starring Cheri Caffaro (looking a bit like Brigitte Bardot), William Grannel, Laurie Rose, Richard Smedley
This falls into the so horrendous its ok category. This, the second, in the so called ‘Ginger’ trilogy is worth tracking down… especially if you plan on having a few drinks before watching it. The plot revolves around a super sexy swinging secret agent named Ginger (played by sexpot Cheri Caffaro), think of her as a female James Bond.
Ginger is called into duty to stop an evil mastermind who is kidnapping cheerleaders and selling them as sex slaves to rich business men… but first he has to “educate” them in the world of sexual satisfaction so that they will be worth their high price tag. The education takes the form of verbal and physical degradation. This “softcore” film features some decent SM themes.
Technically this flick is shit. It looks like it was shot through a pair of soiled underwear. There are horrible focus pulls and some of the worst zooming I’ve ever seen… but there is some charm here. The acting is relatively sub-par. Standouts include Jeramie Rain (from Last House on the Left fame), who plays one of the cheerleaders and William Grannel (who seems to be Judd Hirsch’s dopelganger) who plays Ginger’s boss, Jason Varone. The dialog ranges from awesome to painful and the flicks coda seems right out of an episode of Charlie’s Angels.
If you watch, looks for a brief cameo by ‘Deep Throat’ actor Harry Reems as a police officer in the less than exciting climax.
Near Dark (1987)
Directed by Kathryn Bigelow
Written by Kathryn Bigelow and Eric Red (who also wrote The Hitcher (1986))
Starring Bill Paxton, Lance Henriksen, Tim Thomerson, Adrian Pasdar
This movie is fantastic! It’s a ‘vampire’ movie… only it isn’t. The word vampire is never used and almost every vampire convention is either tossed away or turned on its ear. I would also consider it a very loose western.
The story concerns Caleb (Pasdar) who becomes part of a ‘family’ of people who are infected with a ‘blood disorder’. Ok, you know what, for the sake of argument and saving myself from having to continue writing around the word… they’re vampires (although they aren’t really vampires… this is just for the sake of conversation).
Caleb get’s bitten Mae played by the beautiful Jenny Wright. Once in the fold, Caleb is taken in as hostage then as a part of the family. What follows is a road trip where the family escapes the law in their winnebago and Caleb tries to escape and reclaim his humanity.
What makes this film shine is the script (with some of the greatest dialog you will ever hear) and the performances by the cast (who were largely taken from Aliens (Paxton, Henriksen and Goldstein)). There is not a bad line of dialog in the entire film. Even cult/schlock superstar Tim Thomerson turns a believable performance as Caleb’s concerned father.
Also worth noting are two of the films most memorable set pieces. The first is when the ‘family’ descends up a dive bar and claim it as their own. The second is a police raid turned shoot out at a cheap motel that is as tense as it is blood soaked and action packed. This is what a good shootout should aspire to be.
You should run out to the store now and buy this flick, I guarantee it will get played many many times.
Don’t Look in the Basement (1973)
Directed by S.F. Brownrigg
Written by Tim Pope (who also directed The Crow: City of Angels and the music video ‘Safety Dance’ by Men Without Hats (youtube it, it’s hilarious))
Starring Rosie Holotik, Annabelle Weenick
This schlocky, piece of sleaze is worth the price of admission if only to see how bad it is, granted there are some cool bits and pieces. The set up is simple, an insane asylum is run b y a new age doctor who lets his patients live out there compulsions in a controlled environment, when he is killed in an accident, the asylum’s rule is handed over to the head nurse (or is she?)
When a sexy new nurse (played by playboy playmate Rosie Holotik) arrives, the status quo is changed and patients start ending up, mutilated or dead. What makes this flick watchable is the performances by the patients, each one is certifiably crazy and a joy to watch. The camera work is also worth noting, although I’m not sure if it is inspired or ’so bad it’s good’
If you do want to seek out this movie, it is also titled as The Forgotten.
Werewolves on Wheels (1971)
Directed by Michel Levesque
Written by David M. Kaufman and Michel Levesque
Starring Steve Oliver, Severn Darden and Billy Gray (of Father Knows Best)
Man-O-Man is this film a piece of work. One of the best ‘worst’ movies you will ever see. Made in the ‘Bikesploitation’ years post Easy Rider, this gem combines so many different elements to make it worth watching at least once. The acting isn’t that bad for a B-Movie and the cinematography on the driving scenes are great. The gore is passable though the scares are non-existent. The plot follows a bike gang that runs a fowl
of a Satan worshiping cult. What follows is a head scratching exercise in schlock. What I love about this flick is that it is a microcosm for the Nixon era politics… with Werewolves, Satanists, Bikers, Booze and Bongs. Besides where else are you going to hear such classic lines as
“Somebody’s controlling the vibes!”
and
“That’s the meanest son of a bitch I ever knew in my life. He didn’t have a kind bone in his body and not a clean thought in his mind.”
btw, the DVD release of the flick has a really good commentary track with the director.
What Have You Done to Solange? (1972)
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Directed by Massimo Dallamano
Written by Massimo Dallamano and Bruno Di Geronimo
Dallamano was the cinematographer for “A Fist Full of Dollars” and “For a Few Dollars More”
What a great great great giallo film. I swear that parts of this film teeter on soft core. The plot appears at first to be your standard slasher story but it is so much more. First off, Catholic school girls are being killed by someone dressed as a priest. Second, they are killed by being stabbed in their vaginas. Did I mention that these school girls spend their free time seducing older men?
This flick just rocks on so many levels. It has the slasher element but also this great mystery. I mean one look at the titular character and you just need to know exactly what happened to her. Also the soundtrack by Ennio Morricone kicks fucking ass!
Dead Heat (1988)
Directed by Mark Goldblatt
Written by Terry Black
Starring Treat Williams as Roger Mortis and Joe Piscopo as Doug Bigelow
Mark Goldblatt is an editor who has worked on T2 and Armageddon.
Terry Black is brother to Shane Black (who wrote Lethal Weapon, Monster Squad, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang…) Terry is a member of Mensa
Lady: “Hey you’re hurt!”
Roger: “Lady I’m fucking dead.”
This is an awesome movie. It’s a B movie schlock fare but it has some great performances (including a cameo by Vincent Price, who looks worse for wear here). It’ll never win any awards but if you ever want to watch something fun I reccomend this flick… I mean come on, it’s about Zombie Cops!!!!!!
Fritz the Cat (1972)
Directed by Ralph Bakshi
Written by Ralph Bakshi and R. Crumb
Starred Skip Hinnant as the voice of Fritz.
I loved the frank and lurid tale that was spun. I like the line “I killed the John” when Fritz shoots the toilet.
