Critters (1986)
Directed by Stephen Herek
Written by Stephen Herek, Don Keith Opper and Domonic Muir
Starring: Dee Wallace Stone, M. Emmet Walsh, Scott Grimes, Don Keith Opper, Billy Zane, Lin Shaye, Terrence Mann
In terms of childhood favorites Critters is right up there with No Retreat, No Surrender. Critters is the story of a band of cantankerous intergalactic fugitives (Crites) who hijack a space ship and crash land outside a Kansas farm. They are pursued by two bounty hunters who will let nothing get in their way. Did I mention that the carnivorous Crites are nothing more than small fur balls with hundred of teeth and heir only goal in life is to eat everything.
What makes this flick so damn awesome is that it has a bit of everything, there is Sci-Fi, Horror, Comedy, Family Drama, Town Politics, Aliens, Exploding Bowling Alleys, 3 Sequels…
Terrence Mann rules as Ug, the lead bounty hunter who models his appearance (in a particularly gruesome scene) on a rock star he sees on TV. His partner swaps visages throughout the film (with some humorous results). The star of the film is Brad Brown (Scott Grimes) a teenager who likes to build fireworks, hates chores and love to antagonize his sister. He is best friends with the farm’s handy man, the drunken Charlie (Don Keith Opper (who appears in every Critters movie)). The crux of the film is the Critter’s assault on the Brown family farm which owe much to Assault on Precinct 13.
I recommend this flick, it offers so much and asks so little… plus it has a young Billy Zane in his 2nd feature film. You can tell that Herek and his crew had a blast making this flick and it’s a blast to watch, I’m even a fan of the 3 sequels. Critters is the bastard child of Gremlins and E.T. with a shot of Invaders From Mars. Plus you can pick the DVD up on the cheap (or rent it from TLA).
Rush Hour 3 (2007)
Directed by Brett Ratner
Written by Jeff Nathanson
Starring Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan
I liked the original Rush Hour. I thought it was an entertaining buddy cop movie and I thought that Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan made a great comedic team. I liked the action and the stunts. I enjoyed the second film, it was bigger and had more of what I liked about the original. Rush Hour 3 however, well I didn’t think it was that great.
Rush Hour 3 serves as a bookend to the trilogy. We are reintroduced to characters from the original film, notably Consul Han (played by Tzi Ma) and his now grown up daughter Soo Yung (the gorgeous Jingchu Zhang). The plot revolves around an assassination attempt on Consul Han by the Triads. It seems Han knows who the leader of the Triads are and he intends to stop their criminal organization.
The script by Jeff Nathanson sets everything up but then fails to have any real payoffs. There are back-stories that are never explored (what exactly did happen between Carter and Lee in New York? They mention it every 10 minutes but the audience is never privy to the information). How does Lee all of a sudden have a brother and why do they hate each other so much? The script seems to think that isn’t pertinent information. Nathanson is the guy who wrote The Terminal, Rush Hour 2, Catch Me If You Can and is a credited writer on Indy 4. He has some serious writing credits under his belt but it seems like he phoned in the screenplay based off of his outline for Rush Hour 2.
Character wise, Lee and Carter are the same as they have always been. Although now they seem derivative and uninspired, like pale shadows of there former selves. The villains, including Kenji (Lee’s brother) are cookie cutter villains. It’s like a cliffs notes version of antagonists. Max Von Sydow is here and oh, how the mighty have fallen. He plays an uninteresting riff of his character from Minority Report. It was actually painful to watch. Character/actor wise the best moment was Roman Polanski who shows up for a small role. Watching him here makes me smile, his character was easily my favorite part of the flick (but that could be because he is one of my favorite directors… maybe I’m playing favoritism).
The action was weak compared to the previous movies and the fight scenes were, for the most part, boring. The only time I was actually enjoying myself was the moment that the flick spoofs The Godfather, the action that follows was pretty cool and enjoyable. Jackie Chan is definitely showing his age. The first two films had him doing all sorts of crazy stunts, here, he barely does anything, and what he does do shows signs of obvious wire work and blue screen. Speaking of which, the flick is littered with shoddy CGI and bad blue screen work (there is a chance what I saw wasn’t a finished cut, at least once a CG shot was still rough and had Timecode running at the top), so maybe the FX will be fixed for the release.
Besides action the Rush Hour movies have always had a healthy dose of humor, and that is intact here (but there is a lot more potty humor this time around). I did find myself chuckling through the flick. Tucker does what he does best, playing himself and showing off his dance skills. I did hate the “Who’s on First?” rip off… I mean they basically did the skit verbatim, just with different names.
And now I come to Brett Ratner, who once again proves that he is a generic filmmaker with no sense of originality. I mean, the movie is set in Paris, one of the most beautiful cities in the world, and yet he shoots it in a way that makes it look ugly, and boring. Even the Eiffel Tower becomes bland and ugly, when he shoots it. Brett I have to ask… did you go out of your way to make Paris ugly?
In the end I guess I half liked the movie. Is it worth seeing? Well that’s a tough question for me to answer because I personally think that every movie should be seen. Even the worst films ever made have small bits and pieces that are enjoyable, and it’s not exactly torture to watch a movie. I guess if you are a fan of the first two you’ll find stuff to like. If you hated the others than there is nothing here for you. If you want to see a good summer buddy cop movie… I’d personally steer you elsewhere. I consider this a rental, or at the most a matinee.
No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)
Directed by Coery Yuen
Written by See-Yuen Ng, Corey Yuen, Keith W. Strandberg
Starring Kurt McKinney, Jean-Claude Van Damme, J.W. Fails, Tai Chung Kim
Best. Movie. Ever. Ok, so it really isn’t but this was my favorite movie growing up (beating Critters by a smidge). This is an 80’s gem that needs to be seen. It was released by the now defunct New World Pictures (the same company that released Dead Heat) and features the first major role of Jean-Claude
Van Damme.
The plot revolves around the Stillwell family. Tom (the father) is owner and teacher of a karate school. His son Jason is a student who seems to learn more from Bruce Lee movies than his father. In comes some Mafioso who is trying to bully Tom into closing his school. When Tom resists the Mafioso unleashes Ivan (Van Damme) in the fight between Tom and Ivan, Tom’s leg is broken.
A few months later the Stillwell’s have moved to Seattle to start fresh. Jason has trouble making friends until he meets R.J. Madison (with full on jeri curl and Michael Jackson dance moves). From here on out the flick becomes a teen movie with Jason trying to fit in and failing. He still tries to practice karate but when his father finds out, he bans Jason from the sport. Jason runs away to an abandoned house where the ghost of Bruce Lee (Tai Chung Kim) offers to train him. Under Sensei Lee, Jason’s skills begin to blossom. At this point the training montage kicks in.
The film ends with a Karate exhibition with the US Karate Team, unfortunately the mafia with Ivan in tow crash the party. Ivan blows through the US team and challenges anyone in the audience. The new and improved Jason enters the ring to gain revenge and his father’s honor. Of course all of the training he received is put to the test in this fight. Jason holds his own until Ivan begins fighting dirty. As he starts to lose R.J. screams from the audience “Jason! No retreat, no Surrender!” (just typing those words give me goosebumps, it’s such an awesome (and random) moment ). Jason regains his strengt, defeats Ivan, and proves himself, not only to his father but also to everyone who doubted him.
The flick was directed by Coery Yuen who has done everything, from fight choreography to acting. He has become a prominent director with such films as “The Transporter” and “Legend of the Red Dragon”. Tai Chung Kim, playing Bruce Lee, actually doubled for Bruce Lee in “Game of Death”. Kurt McKinney, who plays Jason, is an accomplished kickboxer who has starred mainly in soap operas and made for TV movies.
Since this is a gem from my childhood I refuse to acknowledge any faults in it. I know that they are there but this flick takes me back to simpler times. I highly recommend it if only because of its kitsch value but it is one hell of an entertaining movie.
Emperor of the North Pole (1973)
Directed by Robert Aldrich
Written by Christopher Knopf
Starring Lee Marvin, Ernest Borgnine and Keith Carradin… also look for a Sid Haig in a small role.
Lee Marvin vs. Ernest Borgnine. Hobo vs. Conductor. A #1 vs. Shack. Emperor of the North Pole is like the greatest boxing match in the world. Lee Marvin is the Muhammad Ali of Hollywood, the consummate tough guy and here he faces off against Ernest Borgnine… I mean come on he played Lt. Cmdr. Quinton McHale… he rode with William Holden in The Wild Bunch.
Marvin plays A #1 the king of hobos and Borgnine plays Shack a conductor who’s hobbies enjoy smashing hobos with a hammer. Then there is Cigarette played by Carradine, he is the young upstar, new to the hobo game and determined to prove himself to A #1. Together they are all embroiled in a game of wits as A #1 tries to ride the number 19 train (which Shack runs) and Cigarette tags along endangering A #1.
The film is a well crafted action/adventure from the same creative team that made The Dirty Dozen. Both Aldrich and Knopf are Hollywood heavy hitters. Aldrich was president of the DGA from 1975 – 1979 and Knopf was president of the WGAw from 1965 – 1967. Their collaboration here is wonderful. The cinematography by Joseph Biroc is great and the film was shot on the same railroad tracks as Buster Keaton’s The General. I highly recommend this flick.
Live Free or Die Hard (2007)
Directed by Len Wiseman
Written by Mark Bomback and David Marconi (writer of Enemy of the State). Based on the article ‘A Farewell to Arms” by John Carlin (which appeared in Wired Magazine). And as always with a Die Hard movie there is a credit to Roderick Thorp who wrote the novel on which the original film was based.
Starring Bruce Willis, Justin Long, Maggie Q, and Timothy Olyphant
When I started to write these movie reviews I made a decision to mainly review films that are already released on DVD, mainly because I don’t get to the theaters that often and when I decide to review something I like to watch it a few times. Anyway, when I do see a film in the theaters I will review it. Disclaimer out of the way, let’s talk about (well you’ll be reading) “Live Free or Die Hard”. Is John McClane back? Does Justin Long make a worth ‘buddy’? Does the PG-13 rating make a difference? Is it even a ‘Die Hard’ flick?
The original Die Hard was released in 1988 at the time it kick started the ‘everyman hero’ genre a striking counterpoint to the Schwarzenegger and Stallone films where the heroes are seemingly invincible. John McClane was a flawed human with real problems who was in the wrong place at the wrong time and stepped up to the challenge not because he wanted to but because it was the right thing to do. The action in the original wasn’t as flashy as the action in films today (see The Transporter). The emphasis in 1988 was on character not set-pieces. That’s not to say that Die Hard didn’t have big moments, it’s just that in between the characters motivated every piece of action.
Now almost 20 years after the original film we have Live Free or Die Hard which feels like a Die Hard film, and looks like one but lacks a little of the heart and character that the original had. John McClane is a leaner, older, angrier man than when we last saw him. He has also lost that everyman quality. Now feats like leaping from an exploding building with a fire hose wrapped around his waist seems like a hobby for the new John McClane.
The plot this time revolves around cyber-terrorists which isn’t as interesting as it looks, lets face it watching people type is lame and un-cinematic. In fact my biggest complaint with the film is the villains… they seem so bland. It’s sad when I feel like I could kick a villain’s ass. Nothing against Timothy Olyphant I thought he did a great job with the character that he was given it’s just he’s not very menacing. In the original Hans Gruber kills 2 men in cold blood. Here the villain’s most menacing moments consist of snarling into a radio or into a webcam.
I was wary of Justing Long, I like him in comedy’s and I like him in Mac commercials but I just wasn’t sure that he could be a worth sidekick. My fears were unfounded and he brings a great amount of comedy and character to the movie. Bruce Willis is awesome as always and he brings a few great moments to the film, especially the scene where he bemoans his heroism’s of the past and the cost that they have wrought. The weakest link in the films cast is Kevin Smith (I love you as a writer/director, and I love when you act in your own films but you just didn’t bring anything to the table here). He plays, pretty much, a caricature of himself. I don’t blame you for taking the role, I just think the character itself was flawed and I don’t think you brought anything exciting to it.
The film is glossy and flashy which is to be expected from Len Wiseman. He is a great technical filmmaker and he makes some great action set pieces here, I just think it’s a bit too flashy. The score by Marco Beltrami is great and the editing is top notch (way to go Nicolas De Toth).
In the end it’s a great summer movie. A good Action film. And a reasonable Die Hard flick (only without swearing and blood).
The Abductors (1972)
Directed by Don Schain (who now produces movie for the Disney Channel and is married to Cheri Caffaro)
Written by Don Schain and Liz Evans
Starring Cheri Caffaro (looking a bit like Brigitte Bardot), William Grannel, Laurie Rose, Richard Smedley
This falls into the so horrendous its ok category. This, the second, in the so called ‘Ginger’ trilogy is worth tracking down… especially if you plan on having a few drinks before watching it. The plot revolves around a super sexy swinging secret agent named Ginger (played by sexpot Cheri Caffaro), think of her as a female James Bond.
Ginger is called into duty to stop an evil mastermind who is kidnapping cheerleaders and selling them as sex slaves to rich business men… but first he has to “educate” them in the world of sexual satisfaction so that they will be worth their high price tag. The education takes the form of verbal and physical degradation. This “softcore” film features some decent SM themes.
Technically this flick is shit. It looks like it was shot through a pair of soiled underwear. There are horrible focus pulls and some of the worst zooming I’ve ever seen… but there is some charm here. The acting is relatively sub-par. Standouts include Jeramie Rain (from Last House on the Left fame), who plays one of the cheerleaders and William Grannel (who seems to be Judd Hirsch’s dopelganger) who plays Ginger’s boss, Jason Varone. The dialog ranges from awesome to painful and the flicks coda seems right out of an episode of Charlie’s Angels.
If you watch, looks for a brief cameo by ‘Deep Throat’ actor Harry Reems as a police officer in the less than exciting climax.
Magnificent Butcher (1979)
Directed by Yuen Woo-ping and Sammo Hung
Written by Dang Geng-san and Jing Wong
Kung-fu chaos, mistaken identities, brotherly love, drunken beggars, ham hocks… Magnificent Butcher has all this and so much more. Sammo Hung plays Butcher Wing (Lam Sai-wing) a student of the hero Wong Fei-hong who gains the wrath of the vicious 5 Dragon School lead by Master Kao, who has just mastered the mighty Cosmic Palm.
The plot is great but and features some great moments (most belonging to the Beggar played by Fan Mei-sheng). But this is a Kung-fu flick and I can honestly say, the fight scenes are worth the price of admission. Sammo Hung (who looks overweight but really isn’t) moves with such surprising grace and agility. Watching him switch styles and dance around his opponents is a sight to behold.
The flick is shot well and the production and costume design is just awesome. But who are we kidding, this movie is all about the fights and each one is infused with character and story (replacing words with punches and kicks). If you have any interest in kung-fu films, or if you think that anything Jet Li stars in (nothing against Jet Li, I think he’s great) is the height of kung-fu cinema, I suggest you check out Magnificent Butcher.
Near Dark (1987)
Directed by Kathryn Bigelow
Written by Kathryn Bigelow and Eric Red (who also wrote The Hitcher (1986))
Starring Bill Paxton, Lance Henriksen, Tim Thomerson, Adrian Pasdar
This movie is fantastic! It’s a ‘vampire’ movie… only it isn’t. The word vampire is never used and almost every vampire convention is either tossed away or turned on its ear. I would also consider it a very loose western.
The story concerns Caleb (Pasdar) who becomes part of a ‘family’ of people who are infected with a ‘blood disorder’. Ok, you know what, for the sake of argument and saving myself from having to continue writing around the word… they’re vampires (although they aren’t really vampires… this is just for the sake of conversation).
Caleb get’s bitten Mae played by the beautiful Jenny Wright. Once in the fold, Caleb is taken in as hostage then as a part of the family. What follows is a road trip where the family escapes the law in their winnebago and Caleb tries to escape and reclaim his humanity.
What makes this film shine is the script (with some of the greatest dialog you will ever hear) and the performances by the cast (who were largely taken from Aliens (Paxton, Henriksen and Goldstein)). There is not a bad line of dialog in the entire film. Even cult/schlock superstar Tim Thomerson turns a believable performance as Caleb’s concerned father.
Also worth noting are two of the films most memorable set pieces. The first is when the ‘family’ descends up a dive bar and claim it as their own. The second is a police raid turned shoot out at a cheap motel that is as tense as it is blood soaked and action packed. This is what a good shootout should aspire to be.
You should run out to the store now and buy this flick, I guarantee it will get played many many times.
The Hit (1984)
Directed by Stephen Frears (High Fidelity, My Beautiful Laundrette, The Queen)
Written by Peter Prince
Starring Terrence Stamp, John Hurt, Tim Roth
This brilliant British character study also doubles as a meditation/lamentation on the nature of death. Of course that is an over complication of the plot (or is it?). Terence Stamp is Willie Parker, a British gangster who testifies against his friends. 10 years later, John Hurt (with Tim Roth in tow) come to kill him.
Terence Stamp owns this movie! His demeanor throughout the film is like a slap in the face, his reaction to the situation around him is 180 degrees opposite what you would expect. Hurt is frightening as the stone faced, world weary assassin and Roth is energetic, slightly stupid and all around youthful as the upstart criminal on his first ‘job’.
The screenplay by Peter Prince is an exercise in style and shows a careful balancing act whereby each character is equal in the eyes of the viewer. Terence Stamp may be the good guy, but one could argue that John Hurt is less of a villain and more of a man stuck between doing a job he doesn’t want and the wrath of his employers. This flick is definitely worth tracking down!
Viva Maria! (1965)
Directed by Louis Malle
Written by Louis Malle and Jean-Claude Carriere
Starring Jeanne Moreau and Brigitte Bardot
SEE THIS MOVIE! It may be the most fun you can have in 2 hours. Moreau and Bardot play women named Maria who at the beginning of the flick invent the striptease and at the end of the film have liberated a county. There are a million great moments in this flick… some of my favorites are the circus magician using his trained doves to drop grenades on people and the priests attempting to extract confessions from the Maria’s by using ancient torture equipment (none of which seems to work). I’m glad you took the time to stop by but stop reading now and go get a copy of Viva Maria!
Dead Heat (1988)
Directed by Mark Goldblatt
Written by Terry Black
Starring Treat Williams as Roger Mortis and Joe Piscopo as Doug Bigelow
Mark Goldblatt is an editor who has worked on T2 and Armageddon.
Terry Black is brother to Shane Black (who wrote Lethal Weapon, Monster Squad, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang…) Terry is a member of Mensa
Lady: “Hey you’re hurt!”
Roger: “Lady I’m fucking dead.”
This is an awesome movie. It’s a B movie schlock fare but it has some great performances (including a cameo by Vincent Price, who looks worse for wear here). It’ll never win any awards but if you ever want to watch something fun I reccomend this flick… I mean come on, it’s about Zombie Cops!!!!!!
